Wow. I was looking through my old posts, from the blogger dashboard, and I saw this one that I never published, and it was left as a draft. It's a long one, as a lot of mine tend to be, and I guess it was one of those, "writing to get it out of my system", cathartic/therapeutic things. I was debating whether or not to post it. But what the hell.

It ends kind of abruptly. I don't know why. Guess I just didn't finish.

Originally written, 9.20.08. Wow. that seems like so long ago. But at the same time, not at all.
I only blinked. How did almost a year pass by?





I'm immature.

Not in the traditional sense, but I know that literally I am immature. Emotionally undeveloped;
Here's an except from Phil Wang's blog.

"He's my unicorn"
At first I didn't get what my friend meant.
"He's the guy that I always dreamed about existing. Too perfect, making me happier than I thought possible. And I found him. And we're finally together.

This is how my friend described her new boyfriend. Though it was several years ago, that term has always stuck with me, probably because, I think that's a very good way to put it.
Every relationship begins with a crush, an attraction. The person of interest is a dream. You could only WISH to be with them, to be their boy/girlfriend, to know everything about them, and grow with them. They are, a unicorn: "unbelievable". Isn't this the truth? No one goes into a relationship (seriously) with someone they're not crazy about.

Wait, I should go back. More about me being immature. Haha. It's funny how big of an ego I have, how "special" I think I am. Oh, yeah most people think like that, but I'm not that stupid/foolish/naive. I'm more mature than that. I think I've thought this nearly my whole life. I recall an incident in the third grade, in which I went to the public library and inquired to someone at the front desk about a certain genre of book I wanted to find(by the way, I wanted Paranormal books. Yeah I was into some weird stuff back in the day.) and feeling so condescended to when I was directed to the children's section. What the hell is that crap? I do think that I owe my great spelling and early skill in prose to the books I read as a kid. (After all, most of these books on the Paranormal were written by guys with phds.) Whoop, there I go with the ego again. Back to the topic. I'm immature. I realized this when I first wanted to "start a relationship" with Teresa. At first, I told myself I wasn't going to do this, that this would never work, I don't work with long distance relationships, it'll be horrible. But, I acted on impulse, and bad logic, and just went for it. Once I expressed(rather awkwardly I might add) my feelings on a looong walk, from then on it was a slippery slope of cheesy gestures, and feathery language. Both of our eyes were clouded in "unicorn-colored glasses". I'm sure it could have worked had we had the summer to slowly get to know eachother better, and spend time together, but that didn't work since she was in Europe for the entire summer. Our first date was the day before her flight. We exchanged messages, IMs, letters, postcards, and for a time it kept me going as I think it did her also. It was midsummer when my hope started dwindling and I had been thinking about what was going to happen in the fall. Then I received a letter that left me open for anything. "Even though I'm still afraid of commitments and you're still scared of long-distance relationships, I'm sure we can make this work. I usually don't have that much faith in a guy, so you're lucky!"
That was the point that I pulled away from my usual cynical self, and was very hopeful. Sure bits of doubt crept in here and there, but I tried to sweep them under the rug, and in every nook and cranny possible. Foreshadowing here: That's never a permanent solution.
The last postcard was a two-parter, and around the end there was a phrase that hit me like a brick, because I knew exactly every detail that it entailed. "Two months away in Europe gave me a lot of time (maybe too much) to think about the distance..."
It wasn't enough. Things eventually became super awkward, because anytime we would meet to "talk", we could never progress past any shallow conversation to get to the "serious" stuff.

To me, the saddest part about a relationship that did not work out, is the inevitable path both parties are on to become strangers. They start out as strangers, grow to learn about each other, eventually become each others' lives, and then break up, and return to being strangers again. To think, that at some point, you knew when your bf/gf slept or woke up...what they ate for lunch...you knew their entire schedule of the week. And then... not even knowing where they are living anymore. To me, that is so unfortunate, but it's what we must all go through at some point.

There was a point during the summer when we almost knew eachother's schedule, despite the time zone difference. I knew how much of a chance I had to catch a glimpse of her online if I was up at 4am vs. 5am, and vice versa.
Ah, the days when I would stay up nearly all night, just to talk to her. And then when she gets back, I have to wait days to even get up the courage to call. damn. 2 days before she left for SD, she called me around 11ish, and we talked late until nearly 2:30am.