You know what I miss? Secret handshakes. I used to think they were so cool. (Still do!) And I would make tons with my friends. I think i'm gonna try and bring em back. Who's with me?!

Really? Come on! They're awesome! Especially if you get a good rhythm goin...

Yeahhh It's the middle of the night again. Not sleeping. You know what that means. Long, rambling entry.

You know, something that kind of gives me a kick, is looking through people's old myspace or xanga entries. I've said that everyone should keep a journal, because you're writing your history books, and it's fun to see how you've grown. But what's just as fun is, to see how friends have grown too.

(Haha, I bet everyone's gonna be hella paranoid about their old middle school azn stickycaps stage.)

And if you're wondering. I did make a xanga in about 8th grade, but I never used it. Meh.

I looked above, and I realized I haven't said "hella" in, well a hella long time. haha. I remember when I first moved to CA in 7th grade, and was going to school in Fremont, I didn't understand this bay area slang at all. I was like, "wtf, what's hella mean?" and I'd get weird contradicting definitions, or overly simplified ones like, "very" or "a lot of". Obviously, now I get it, but it's just a context-based vernacular you have to pick up after years.

One thing that gets me, is that I get jealous of people who actually enjoyed middle school. For the most part, I hated my middle school experience. I was an awkward kid. haha. hoho.

But I guess it's sort of akin to people who hated high school, which I pretty much enjyed. (At least the later parts around junior-senior year)

And I talked to a good friend from 6th grade a while back, and he STILL wont let it down, the time we went to see Lord of the Rings (the first one) with some friends, and I ate too many skittles and drank like a liter of soda, and then I barfed in his car on the way back.

Boys Like Girls

You know, I kind of really like this band. Yeah, I'm not ashamed to say it...
Ok, I'm a little ashamed. Since if I were to go to one of their concerts, the majority of the fanbase would probably be middle school fangirls, but whatever. With lyrics like, "let's get drunk and drive around", or "i've had too much to smoke, too much to drink..." and these "tweens" aren't even old enough to drive, drink and smoke, it's kind of funny.

One of the great things I like about their album is, well I like the whole album. I actually like every song on there, which is pretty rare in itself, since I'm sure with most people, you don't like EVERY single song on an artist's CD.

Plus, something I love is, the album just progresses along naturally. Like, if you listen to each song in the track order, it makes sense. And by the end, the last song uses a verse from the first song, and it actually reaches closure and it just feels....great.

You should try it. If you don't have the patience, at least listen to "The Great Escape" and then "Holiday". But the whole album is really great.

Another thing is, I don't really know why, but like I mentioned before, a lot of times my brain associates music with certain thoughts or memories, and with the Boys Like Girls album, it reminds me a lot of High School, and just being younger in general. My favorite song, for example, is "Holiday", and if you take a look at the lyrics, you'll get what I'm coming from. Plus the whole, slow, mellow mood of it, sort of massages your brain to just ooze out the nostalgia.

"When I was younger I used to be wild
As wild as an elephant's child
And I don't think I'll ever change
I think I'm gonna stay the same"

As I look back to my younger years, like freshman and sophomore year of HS, yeah, I think I was pretty wild. I did some crazy stuff, some stupid stuff, some memorable stuff. And I know things that would probably make you crap bricks.

"All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight "

Now that I think about it, there's a lot of guys I've known in the past, that have more than their share of embarrassing music tastes. It's safe to say, I'm not the only one that can lipsync to an NSync or BSB song. I mean, have you noticed how many lipsyncs there are out there on youtube? So Yeah, we like to deny it, but guys listen to a lot of the same stuff girls do too. (Taylor Swift anyone?)

"Lastly, I think another reason why I like these songs (mainly by females) is because I like to imagine what it'd be like to have someone special be writing these songs about me. That might be super homo, but whatever, I'm saying it. I've written enough music about certain special people, I feel entitled to imagine a song for me. haha. I think I first thought of this when I started listening to Colbie Caillat and wishing she were singing to me (dang she's so good). I know girls fantasize about having a guy write a song about/for them...so f the double standards and let me do the same!"

- Philip Wang

"Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone...."

Errr....uhhh. "Play artist Metallica!" (haha, remember that commercial?)

Recently, (as in the past 3-4 months) I've been thinking about it, and I kind of want a tattoo. But at the same time, I don't know if I really see myself as the type of guy that would get one. But if I did, the one I would definitely get is this.

yeah. none of that cliche chinese character crap like "fire" or "peace" that non-chinese get. When I mentioned the possibility to my dad, all he said was that he wasn't going to say yes or no, since I'm old enough to make decisions on my own now (wow deep), but the advice he gave was, whatever it is, make sure it's something you won't regret in 20 years.

And yeah, I can't regret my last name.

Sort of inspire by Jin's tattoo.

I'd love it on my neck, but I'd never be able to get one for fear of scaring off future employers. I'd probably get it on the top of my arm, near my shoulder. Easy to hide with a t-shirt if needed.

Although, there is a sort of, "deep"/BS-filled explanation I've developed in my head for it. Some not fun stuff coming up, so skip ahead if you want.
But I was thinking, a reason why I'd want to get something so PERMANANT, have such a committment done, is to serve as a sort of a catharsis for me. Like how I've, "become so asian" as most of my friends have said. My older sister even told my mom she thought it was a "phase" I was going through, which I was sort of offended by.
But really, part of the reason I think that I've embraced my culture and heritage so much is because of how(and more importantly where) I grew up. I think I've mentioned it before, but there's so many people living in California (and the Bay Area for that matter) that don't realize what kind of Bubble they live in. And that Asian-Americans in other parts of US, are having a completely different experience as them. It's hard to explain without sounding cliche. But I'm betting most of the people reading this right now (if you're Asian-American) have never had the experience of looking in the mirror, and wishing that you were a paler shade of "yellow", or that their eyes weren't different from everyone elses. Although that's a good thing, because it really sucks. Really. Wishing you were white? May sound nuts to you, but whatever. I doubt you've ever been called a Chink, by someone who meant it.

It's also why I don't like guys that are frail, and skinny. Like, some of the younger guys at AYSC Lion Dance, who can't do a decent pushup, I always think, "damn, you guys wouldn't last a second where I'm from". I have to concede, when I was younger, I was a short, skinny asian kid. But I think it was around late elementary school, that I started doing pushups, and just trying to bulk myself up, which explains why I'm at the state I am today. Because I was the only Asian kid around, I didn't want to make my race look bad by being a skinny, weak, Asian kid. So I guess subconsciously, although it makes no sense, whenever I see a skinny, or just weak Asian guy, it feels a bit to me like they're making the rest of us look bad.

I really look up to Bruce Lee, and he's one of my idols because of this. Before him, Chinese, or Asian guys in general, had that "weak men of the east' stereotype. And Bruce smashed that, with his crazy skills, and insane body.

I'm sort of disappointed though, (even though it's sort of a good thing) that I've never been in a fight in my life. Like a real, street fight. All this working out, training, and I've never been able to use it. Maybe it's just my male testosterone talking. haha. I always had this small fantasy in the back of my mind, where some guy would be harassing some skinny Asian kid, spouting off some racial epithets, and I would just beat the shit out of him. Sorry, that's a bit violent. Yeah I know, two wrongs don't make a right. blah blah. Walk a mile in my shoes.

But I guess it sounds like the logic of, "I spent all this time stocking up my bomb shelter, and there's no nuclear war!". Kind of.

I realize now that I'm kind of overgeneralizing. I don't know everyone's own personal situation. Even within the Bay Area.

And I know that everyone, even Asians, can be racist. Like I remember, I was talking to Steph a while back, and she told me how when she was going out with Murray, his parents didn't really like, or approve of her, just because she was half white (and doesn't look Asian-enough I guess) and that hurt her. Which is pretty fucked.
I remember, even when I lived on the east coast, with like zero Asians, my parents(my mom actually) would every now and then mention how I should marry an Asian girl. WTF? And that was back when I preferred White girls, so I usually just scoffed it off in a, "like that'll ever happen" kind of way.

Whew.

Enough of that crap.
Not fun to read, not fun to think about. But whatever. Can't hide from your past.

It's that time of year again. Seniors thinking about college. Anxious to graduate. Looking to us, the "older, wiser" ones for advice. And I find that whatever I say, it's the same for all of them. Sure, you're excited now to get out of High School, and FREEDOM and all of that, but I just say:

"Enjoy it. It'll pass by too quick."

*Sigh*

It's crazy seeing some people grow up. Sometimes my brain is still stuck itn he past, I see these people as still being 8th graders or freshmen, and holy crap, you're going to college now? Mostly it's old church friends. Like, I've met these kids back when they were in middle school, and it's weird being able to see them grow up this quick. I sound so old. haha.

Crap. losing momentum. I'm not even that tired yet.

Whatever. I think this is long enough.

Hmm, I just realized that there's so many random topics floatinga round in this post (and most of my posts really) that i could separate it into separate entries. Nah. I'm too lazy. Plus you get to see how my brain works and what brings me to what topic off the top of my head.

5:25am. Good night.

So, I kind of had a birthday last week. It was crazy, this year, it REALLY snuck up on me. I didn't realize how close it was until about a week before. Most people kind of expect it to be kind of a big deal, but really I didn't see anything special about it, and I still don't. 16 is big. You get to drive. 17 is big. you get to see R-movies. 18 is big. Adulthood. Cigarettes. Porno.(if you're into that.) 19? Totally breaks the cycle. You get nothing. You're a year older. That much closer to a "real" adult. That much farther away from adolescence, and being a "teen". Yes, it has teen in it, nineTEEN. so I do consider myself a teenager still. Maybe I'm in denial.

I felt like planning something fun, since the date was so close to spring break, but I couldn't think of anything, and was kind of lazy. Part of me just wanted something simple, with some friends, maybe catch some dinner, then chill on the shoreline checking out the skyline, taking lame pictures, and thinkin' deep thoughts. But I always get tripped up on invites. I like large social gatherings, but sometimes if it's too large, it's hard to manage and hang with everyone equally. Also, sometimes I feel almost obligated to invite some people, because I hung out with them on their birthday, and it'd feel rude not to return the favor. Lame and immature I know. And there are friends that, I've been really good friends with, but hadn't hung out with in a long while. And then there's the factor that, I know that friends might clash, and might not get along all too well, since I hang out with such a diverse group of people. It's all too much, so I don't like to bother. Whatevs.
And part of me just wanted to get hammered. Sorry.

I caught Lunch with Zach today, and we hung out over the afternoon, catching up a bit, and one thing he pointed out to me is that, in high school, we had some pretty competant teachers. There's so many talented faculty members at Alameda High, I mean, Dr. Dauber has a phd, AND an oscar (best documentary or something.), Mr. Duderstadt graduated from Stanford and has years of experience in the work field of what he teaches, Mr. Joo graduated from MIT and instead of making 6-figures is teaching chemistry to students. If only we had taken advantage of that when we were there.
By the way, calling me at 10am you pretty much guaranteed I'd be asleep Zach. I eventually caught up with you though.
I can't wait 'til we get the old Ole's gang together again. Do you like waffles? Yeah, we like waffles!

Sam turned 19 too. Happy Birthday Sam! Had hotpot for her birthday. tasty stuff.

So yeah. That's all pointless bull. I'm 19. For the most part, I don't feel much different. Besides the fact that I have to shave a bit more often, and my jeans are a lot less baggy.
I've been meaning to do this a while, make sort of a progression of change.
From back in my younger, balder days to now. And I realized, yeah, I think I have changed a lot. Even when I've looked back at my old myspace, which I haven't touched since 2007, even the way I type is different. (I cringe when I read old comments.)
At least I was never into that sTiCKycAPs nonsense. That crap is annoying.



Wow. That first pic is from summer of 06, at Worldview Academy. Gawd, puberty sucked. pimples and bumps all over my forehead. I'm glad my skin has decided to tone down since then.
And what's with the clothes? Wow. Hivemind much? Oversized t-shirt and baggy pants. Remember when that was cool? I mean, lame?



what a progression. craziness.
More wrinkles. Skin looking less youthful.
Dianne keeps telling me to get some cream for my eyebags. Bah.

"One of the greatest things about coming home after being away is the return to familiarity. Familiar places, sights, feelings, roads, friends. It’s the “default”. I often think of home as the “constant” in my life. While everything else in my life is up in the air in a whirlwind of variables, home stays consistent and therefore helps remind me of what’s real, and what’s important."

Phil Wang wrote that in his xanga. now that I look back on it, I know that he's wrong on that. Look a few posts below. Everything always changes. Even home. Alameda has changed so much, in such a little amount of time it's crazy. There's new restaurants, new shops, renovations. All within a year or two. After college, it'll probably be unrecognizeable.

And me. I've changed. And it's not photoshop. All of this happened in a span of 3 or 4 years. Some major changes in even less. So what will I be like after 4 years of college? Hell, what will my friends be like?

The thing that's starting to disturb me is, how damn uncertain I am of...pretty much everything.



For once in your life, just let go.






Brian, Steph, Matt, and Haidee went down to LA for the break. Wish I could've joined. Hope you guys are having fun. Save me a korean taco.



It's 5:09 AM. Time to sleep. This week's going by too quick. Thursday already? Dammit.

Not from lack of trying though. Actually, I slept for a little bit, then I woke up at midnight or so.
Everyone's studying for midterms or finals. Lame stuff. And this week has been going by sooo damn slow. one more to go.

Can't wait for spring break.

I'm a bit late on the draw for this one, since it's been like a few weeks or a month, but I never understood the concept of Lent. Okay, I get that you're trying to give up something like Jesus had to give up food and water for 40 days and nights, but nothing scripturally dictates it. Someone just sort of made up that dogma.

On a side note, firefox's spell check is sort of pissing me off. It often flags things THAT ARE ACTUALLY WORDS. Sometimes it trips me up so much I have to check dictionary.com to confirm that I'm not making up words. YES, "scripturally" is a word. thank you firefox.

Anyways, that was a digression, don't mind it.
Okay, so I sort of understand why people would want to do this lent thing. I mean, Jesus gave up a bunch for you, why not return the favor. But then this part I don't understand, is when people give up pointless, meaningless things they think they "need" to prove something to themselves or others. Like when people give up facebook, or myspace for lent. Wtf is the point of that? Oh I think Jesus would be real impressed. "Oh yeah, I just gave up FOOD AND WATER for 40 days, while satan was being a douche and poking me with a stick for 40 effing days. No big. Oh, you gave up facebook? You poor thing."
Sorry, that sounds a bit angry in text. I'm actually reading that part in my head like one of those random side sketches from family guy. Yeah do it like that.


Speaking of facebook, they changed their homepage. Again. This time I didn't mind as much, since I looked at the previews beforehand, and I actually liked it. But as always, people whine and moan about it, probably starting petitions and groups to change it back. Though this time, most people are either indifferent, or even annoyed at the whiners. But really, as cliché as it is, change is inevitable. It's the only universal constant.



That reminds me of one of those weird little random facts I read a while back. Something like, everytime you breath, or every second or something, your cells are changing, dividing, whatever, (I'm no bio major) and that you're never literally the same person as you were before. Something like your entire body is replaced every 7 years, or something.


That last line kind of makes me think though. "...there are some changes you can't control and...there are others you can."
Reminds me of the concept of Fate.

Oddly, enough, I've been asked the same question several times from different people, over whether or not I believe in Fate.
I read something in a friend's blog that I think I can kind of subscribe to.

"I couldn't believe or swallow anything like that. I'm led to believe that actions happen with consequences. Never without. The dynamics and the thought behind quantum physics always seem to affect me the most dramatically. We say we do things for the best but sometimes our actions hurt others and sometimes, there just is no avoiding hurt, harm and the like. Like any wise decision, pick wisely, think long, think hard."

But really, I have no real answer to that question yet.


I noticed that when I wrote "cliché" up there that I had to double check if I had the right accent mark on there. I'm losing my french, and I can feel it. :(
It's hard because mandarin pinyin uses the same accent marks, and I'm getting my brain mixed up. It's funny, it reminds me of when I used to mix up cantonese and french.
Damn, I wish I were a genius or something, like Wang Leehom. I really like languages, but there never seems to be any time to learn them.
Life Goal #1354
Become fluent in English, Cantonese, Mandarin, French, Korean
For now...
Maybe japanese too? My mom used to be fluent in Japanese, since she's lived in Japan, but since then her language skills have declined too.

It's 4:30 am.
I'm not tired still.


I want a pair of nunchucks. Practice, and Real ones. But there's a retarded california law, (and new york too apparently) that bans them. Really? Guns are legal, but two pieces of wood attached by a string isn't? What the hell is that logic. And they're trying to legalize marijuana.
I don't get it.
But lo and behold, I found this martial arts school/supply site, that sure enough, is located in Fullterton, California! So I'll send an order for those soon.
For those of you who think this is random, it's really not.
I used to own a pair of padded nunchucks when I was younger, and I actually was pretty decent. Mostly things my dad taught me.

Like check out this clip from "Game of Death" with Bruce Lee vs. Dan Inosanto in an epic nunchuck (or nunchaku or whatever) fight.



See that flipping behind both arms thing Inosanto does at 1:15 ish?
Yeah, I can do that still. Among other things.
And really, imagine something walking around late at night and being mugged or something. How epic, (and shocking to the assailant) it would be to just pull out of a pair of nunchucks, and just go to town on him. Seriously. They'd be like, "WTF, it's 2009, and you have freakin' nunchucks? Really?".
Like that creeper lurking around the berkeley campus that's been all over the news. I think all the female students should just carry nunchucks with them. Or tazers. But the latter wouldn't have the same effect.

I'm gonna end up with a huge welt on my forehead soon. XD

Still don't know whether to get the straight black speedchucks




Or go all "Game of Death" and get the gold with black stripes


I wish I had the yellow suit to match. haha.

OR, take it a step further, and just go all Bruce Lee


Seems a bit tacky though.


Oh well.

It's 4:54am now. This has gone on long enough. I should try to sleep.
Try being the key word.