brian (1:10:21 AM): my friend said that prom was the bomb
erik (1:10:35 AM): it was
erik (1:10:43 AM): oh yeah
erik (1:10:44 AM): its tonight huh
brian (1:10:49 AM): yeup
brian (1:13:26 AM): he said it was really fun
brian (1:13:32 AM): makes me nostalgic
erik (1:10:43 AM): I know huh

It's so crazy. A year's already passed since my own prom. Oh how time goes by

I want to read.

Yeah. I really do.

(Psst! What the hell's he talking about?)

Oh don't worry. I'll feed you baby birds.
(daniel tosh reference for the cool kids.)

Yeah.

Specifically I want to read books.

(Still not getting it.)

So. I was in my film class a few weeks ago, and we just watched Platoon. Vietnam war film from the 80s starring Charlie Sheen, directed by Oliver Stone. But enough about that. So afterward, the instructor led a discussion about the film, and inevitably it led to comparisons of Apocalypse Now, another "Vietnam war film". At least, according to everyone else. And I thought, "no guys. this isn't a Vietnam war film at all!" Because, I sort of read the book that inspired it, Heart of Darkness by Josef Conrad....no...barely skimmed the book, back in Ms. Chacon's AP English class. And even my TV Media teacher, screened Apocalypse Now, and heavily emphasized, "This is NOT about Vietnam."
And he's right. But I couldn't add to the discussion. Because I barely remembered ANYTHING from the book. Now I sort of recall, it was the last book we read, and we didn't even write an essay about it. And man. I was so frustrated. I kept trying to think of something, ANYTHING to say, "Hey guys! This isn't a war film! It was a re-imagining of Conrad's novel put in a Vietnam War allegory!"
But damnit! I couldn't even think of the basic plotline. "It's a guy that goes into...Africa? No. It was the Congo. And has to find Kurtz, cause he's this crazy poacher?"
Gawd.

After that class, I felt horrible. Damn. I wish I actually READ the book. More than that, I regret not paying more attention, not absorbing more, not just in Chacons, but all of my high school classes.
Come to think of it. Even for some of the books we did read, and had an essay assigned in, I didn't even fully read all of them. Like Daisy Miller. Sure, I got an A on the essay, but I didn't actually read the book. Most of what I absorbed was from the in-class discussions, notes I wrote down in the margins of the book, and from that I just BSed some 2 page piece of analytical nonsense. *sigh*

I slacked off too much in HS. And the worst part is, I got away with it.

My goal is to go back and reread ALL of the books assigned in Senior year.
Starting with...King Lear? (oh gawd.)
Maybe I'll go easy first.
Heart of Darkness! Daisy Miller! Lord of the Flies!



i feel like such a dork I wasted time actually doing this.

T_T

Stupidity from Junior Year.

wow.

So it's late again, I'm not sleeping anytime soon, and there's no one I can bug or talk to.

Enough politics. I try to refrain from openly discussing my political views, because stuff gets pretty heated and like Jackie Chan, "I don't want trouble!".

I'm having one of those nights where, I'm going back to missing stuff. I hate to say "nostalgic", because I feel like I've more than overfilled this blog diary's quota for usage of the term. Ah screw it, I'll say it anyways. yeah I'm nostalgic.

The worst part is that I know I shouldn't be, because it causes me to miss out on the amazingness of now.

"the obstacle between us and happiness is the future itself. In other words, the real obstacle to our happiness is the way we place our notions of the future and our notions of the past between us and what we are actually living through right at this very moment."

Yeah yeah, I heard you the first time. It's probably not helping I keep lurking back to the my old facebook notes from graduation, rereading the comments, or that I keep listening to songs like "Here's to the Night". The whole concept of listening to depressing, nostalgic songs while feeling down doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Logically, I guess I should be trying to cheer myself up by watching lighthearted comedies or listening to fluffy pop songs. (Whatev. I wanna ditch the logical!)

I noticed the '09 seniors just had their Senior Banquet, and that made me think, "Man, I'm so jealous of these ungrateful young'ns. They've got so much fun stuff ahead and they don't even know what they've got, until it passes them by." I was confirmed of this when Alison told me that she was "fucking sick of high school. i can't wait till it's over." Aish. You'll see. Then again, I really don't miss High School itself, but the fun stuff that happened around it. Haha. There were times I felt like, this "school" and "studying" crap was getting in the way of me hanging out, and enjoying life. I mean, I sure as hell don't miss waking up at 8am (or later, as I was often tardy, which was followed by those annoying ass home phonecalls), the 40 min lunches, and the "high school drama". haha. I still feel like the term "drama" is...I don't know, such a fake, inflated term. Like the word itself has a sense of unwarranted self-worth. What I do miss is the people. The great thing about K-12 schooling is, you're trapped within the those walls with the same people every day. You're used to seeing them by default, and naturally, everyone takes this for granted. I hate to admit that most of the people I went to high school with I'll probably never see again. Facebook Friends? Friends when convenient? To get more specific, I miss the events. Senior Banquet, Senior Prom, Senior Trip, Grad Nite. On the last one, I vividly recall, as I went home to get ready, I had my mp3 put Eve 6's quintessential high school ending song on repeat, and as I stepped out into the cool night air, and made my final walk towards the glowing Alameda High campus, I consciously knew, "damn, I'm going to miss this."
The truth is, all of the best parts of High School everyone raves about, and so many teen movies base themselves, were exactly as I wanted them to be. I did my best to live every moment to the fullest, and I should be thankful for what I had. Because really, It was everything I wanted and more. I had the friends, excitement, experiences, struggles, lessons and so much more that completed what Senior year was about. There isn’t a thing I would change. So maybe that’s why I miss it so much. It really was everything I wanted and more, even if I didn't know it at the time.

So yeah, I tried to take some lessons to heart, but I realized, another part of what made these experiences so great was, they were with friends who I've known and bonded with throughout my high school career. New friends are great and all, but really, there's a certain x-factor that just isn't there yet.

Perhaps that's why I don't sleep, and subject myself to these bad habits.
The night before Teresa left for SD, we talked on the phone late into the night, and since her flight was early morning, I tried to get her to go to sleep so she wouldn't be utterly exhausted in the morning, but what she said, combatted anything I could say. She didn't want to sleep, because before she knew it, it'd be morning, and that'd be it. If you're asleep, you miss out on now. Being awake would be the only way to utilise the limited time that was left. Damn, I wish I could have worded it better, but I don't remember exactly how it went.

This feels kinda pathetic. Really Erik? You're still missing High School? It's been over for months now? When are you gonna let it go?

Am I right? Am I alone in this?


"Here's to the nights
We felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon..."












On another note,
I hate Belvedere. Who the hell drinks that stuff. Tastes awful.

"..tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be fifty. And I'll still be doing this shit. And that's alright, that's fine. But you're sitting on a winning lottery ticket, and you're too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that's bullshit."


"Let me tell you what I do know. Everyday I come by your house and I pick you up. We go out, we have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great, but you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye, No see you later, No nothing; Just left. I don't know much but I know that..."